It is difficult looking at failure...

It's hard to see it. My intention to do better did not apparently last even a week to the next Monday from that last post. I thought about erasing that post. After all how embarrassing that not only did I not achieve my goal, I did not even make it a week to post on this site! To compound that failure as of January 2013, I did not lose 60 pounds I gained 9. Yes indeed that makes a total of 330lbs as of January 1, 2013. Awesome.

Though I've been heavier than that I've never seen that number on a scale. I didn't like it. That's not the only thing. Last Sunday for the first time I can remember I was having a hard time keeping my white shirt tucked into my pants. I couldn't figure it out, what is going on? When I got on the scale after avoiding it for months I realized that my extra girth was no longer going to be contained in my already very large white shirt. As attractive as it is to walk around with your spare tire hanging out of your shirt and below your belt line, I decided that maybe the new year might be a great time to recommit to my desires of last August. I was also spurred on by the very uncomfortable to mention fact that it has become difficult to reach certain areas of my, ahem, anatomy, for cleansing purposes. I'm having difficulty putting on socks, and shoes (thank goodness for my slip-ons), and most of my clothes are uncomfortable. I'm down to like two t-shirts that I look for every morning in my drawer because I don't feel uncomfortable in them.

Why on earth would I share such details? (I'll understand if you decide not to read the blog now) Why would I not erase posts with the obvious evidence of my continued weight loss failures? Because I believe that overcoming something that has been a challenge all of my life will not happen by myself, on my own, and in secret.

I have long needed to step out of the shadows of this problem and realize and accept that I will not be able to do this alone, and certainly not in secret. I'd love to be the mighty warrior who ducks his head down and emerges 6 months later a fit and trim athlete. I have fantasies about that. Meeting my separated family members and friends after several months and getting kudos and accolades for a job well done. 'Wow look at Dan he's so disciplined'.  Well I'm not. Not yet. Currently I'm very undisciplined. Again not a surprise to most.

It is too easy to do well for a few days or even a few weeks, then fall off the treadmill onto the bench at the buffet, and lie to yourself about your intentions to do better next week, and then the next week, and the next week until you wake up 10 years later and you're still saying it, and you're still fat and out of shape. It is too easy to fool yourself into thinking that your stated intentions only will win you some kind of respect or accolades from those with whom you share them, in an effort to gain external validation that is desperately needed to cover the lack of an internal sense of self worth; Self worth which can only be gained by living(doing, acting) according to ones knowledge of right and wrong.

The irony is that once you've done the work and lost the weight the external validation becomes meaningless for the purpose it was originally sought. Which is why it is such a poor initial motivator. Whether negative or positive, external validation is a poor motivator compared to an internal desire to become the person that you want to become, the person that God would have you be.

There is, I think, a big difference between external validation--(compliments of the moment that are sought to cover a lack of inner self worth), and external support for ones efforts to be better; which is the kind of help I'm hoping to get from those I invite to this blog.

Hiding my failures, (the consequences of which are not actually hidden) simply allows me to continue to fail in the same way. Instead of accepting the areas in which I clearly have weaknesses and putting a plan in place to overcome them, I tend to protect them in secrecy, where they are free to become the excuses I use to continue my indulgence of the 'natural man.'

So I have to choose between being comfortable and continuing to make the same token efforts that have produced no results, but a lot of lies which I tell myself to help me feel better in the moment about the fact that I am living a life below it's potential, (soothing little lies, the lies of intention); or the other choice of making myself uncomfortable by shining some light on these lies and protected areas like my secret eating to some of my closest friends and family members.

I hope I can count on your support.