Week 3 brought some real world challenges. I am actually up one pound for a total weight loss of 13 lbs in 3 weeks and my current weight is 317 lbs.
My wife's grandfather passed away and we went to California for the weekend to be with family and go to his funeral. Before I left I made a calculated decision not to take the shake mix I've been supplementing 2 of my meals a day with. My goal was to put myself in a situation that I could enjoy good food, without eating too much of it. I was not perfectly successful at this. Twice I had seconds on things that I should have probably been content with after the first portion. The triumph though is that in the past I've often eaten much more than this at every opportunity, and with every bite of food after a 'healthy' portion I would feel worse and worse and need to cope with more and more food until I was literally stuffed and/or sick.
It was a good exercise for me as most often overeating leads to the above mentioned self doubt and self loathing; an emotional state that I try to fight against by 'acting' like I am not feeling that way. The act though is never ultimately as successful as the actor might hope. The really skilled ones use a specific persona that would either indicate a carelessness about their condition of self hatred, 'protect' their emotional vulnerability from those around them. Examples might include overcompensating by being the funny fat guy, or taking digs at yourself all the time. Using self deprecating language or always putting yourself on the short end of a comparison with others.
The one I adopted over the years was that of an angry or overly serious person. I remember my wife telling me that some of the people in our ward in Boston thought of me as unapproachable or angry. They would be surprised when they got to know me a little that I was more approachable than they thought, and even knew an elephant joke or two. To this day I struggle with this to the point that any perfect stranger who is beguilingly cheery and has the audacity to smile and say hello to me on the street can make me feel like an immature idiot for the scowl that is constantly etched on my face. (Yes this happened yesterday). I immediately have to either re-adjust my face into something more appropriate which is surprisingly difficult to do in the miliseconds of such an encounter, or offer a compliant grunt in exchange for the genuine pleasantness that can only be offered by someone who is genuinely pleasant. That grunt is only one tiny step higher than simply walking away and leaving an impression which is at best, of a man who's having a bad day, and at worst of the guy who's gonna follow you back to your car, punch your lights out and steal your radio.
I suppose I could spend pages analyzing why I wear that angry facade but I think it is as simple as a protection from feeling vulnerable. Which leads me back to feeling self doubt and self loathing after overeating. I had become so used to employing my 'act' or protectionist efforts that I didn't even have to think about it. I'd overeat, hide it, then employ any number of acts to protect myself from my self inflicted vulnerability. That usually involves some sort of distancing oneself emotionally from friends and family, and physically from strangers by either not going out in public(I always eat fast food alone in the car, never in the restaurant) or looking really mean and scary or occupied on your iPhone when you do.
The exciting part, and I mean thrilling part is that I've started trying to pay attention to the pain again instead of covering it up with an act; and guess what? I hate it!! I hate the pain! I hate the disappointment that I've let myself be beaten by my bodies craving for lots of high fat, high sugar, high salt foods. I hate that I'm acting in a way that will lead me away from, not to, everything I want in this life. This is a hatred I did not expect and that I'm currently trying to nurture to the point that it will overpower my desire to eat bad foods.
Great tasting natural food in reasonable portions is not only fuel for the body but as I said in my other post is specifically intended by God to lift our spirits. I am not there yet, not even close but I'm beginning to see some lights at the end of the tunnel that indicate that I may not actually have to always fight against a desire to overeat bad foods. That just like many bad habits I avoid completely I might be able to build an aversion to this one that could be powerful enough to make the thought of that indulgence laughable. That my friends is euphorically exciting for me.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Week Two
Well at the end of week two I'm down 4 lbs for a total of 14 pounds in two weeks. Current weight 316lbs.
In one of my earlier posts I mentioned that life is full of events that produce the negative emotions that have traditionally been triggers for overeating for me. This week I've seen those things in my life but have noticed that a lot of those 'conditions' are also self imposed. I guess what I'm getting at is the realization of how interconnected the challenges in our lives are.
I've always assumed that losing weight and getting fit would be beneficial beyond health and physical ability. I've assumed that it would boost confidence, self image etc. This week has shown me though that the conditions that produce the negative emotions that I try to avoid by overeating, cannot simply be combated by replacing the desire to overeat with a more productive activity. Yes that is the method that should be employed but if I am going to get at the heart of the matter I must also address the conditions that produce those negative emotions--at least the ones I have direct control over.
Though this, taken as a whole, can seem an utterly daunting task, the thought of which might lead one to In n' Out, I guess I'm just really comfortable with the fact that the changes I'm trying to make in my life may take some time. To quote one of my favorite movies,'Peaceful Warrior', it is the journey that matters. Not that I want to take a long time, but that I recognize that this will not be solved immediately nor do I need it to be to assuage my ego.
I feel curiously free from the ego driven impulse to be 'successful' on a weight loss and exercise program by the virtue of 'my own strength of will'-- an illusion I've fallen for countless times. I think that ego has been one of my biggest inhibitors to success. It is my ego that has suggested that for so long I need to struggle alone, and hide my failures and overeating.
We are blessed with friends and family on the earth in part for the very purpose of aiding each other in our endeavors to be better. Yet I have been, indeed many of us are convinced that we must maintain this strange facade that we are islands capable by the virtue of our own strength of will to become that which we are utterly dependent on our Savior to become; perfected in Christ.
The implication then follows that if we, as disciples of Christ are striving to do what He would do were he here, are we not then tasked with aiding in the efforts of each other to be better? This is not an extraordinary thought by any means, most of us are willing to help close friends and family should we be asked to do so.
What I do think is an interesting thought is the other side of that coin: Are we as individuals ready to be aided in our efforts to be better by those around us that are trying to do as Christ would do were He here? How often does the Savior offer His outstretched hand in the form of a close friend or a family member who is striving to act on His behalf, only to have it figuratively batted away by our own ego/pride that insists that we must accomplish our righteous desires by virtue of our own strength and faith alone?
Obviously I'm not suggesting that the mighty change of heart that accompanies a mighty change of the person can come from any source but repentance and faith on our Savior. Alma the senior at the waters of Mormon put it to his followers this way: Mosiah 18: 8 "...and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light...".
This scripture suggest to me that we each have burdens to bear but that we can choose to make them lighter by helping others with their burdens while at the same time accepting help of others to lighten our own. While one could make the argument that bearing the heavier burden can only make us stronger, I would suggest instead that bearing the lighter burden will enable us to journey further on the road to being perfected in Christ. In other words we can go farther/be better as individuals by bearing each others burdens than we can by saying 'I am strong and will bear my burdens alone! They are mine and I will own them!!'
Take it from me, when weighed down with the full weight of your own burdens it only makes you less able to help others bear their burdens. Less capable of living well. Less capable of being happy. Less capable of being successful in your righteous endeavors. I've struggled under the weight of those burdens for too long; the weight of which I've dealt with by repeatedly plunging myself into an overeating induced dopamine fog.
To be human is to be fallen--to be in a perpetual state of weakness that only the sacrifice of our Lord Jesus Christ can rescue us from. In this way we are 'nothing' because we can merit nothing of ourselves. It is our ego or pride that tries to suggest by hiding our weaknesses that we are something, when truly we are nothing. I actually love being nothing for it is when I do not pretend to be something that I am best able to be what my God would have me be. While I'm not talking about announcing our imperfections from the pulpit on Sunday it is cathartic for me to remember that I do not have to pretend to be perfect in order to be loved, in order to be a help to others, in order to do what the Savior would do were He here. Being nothing allows me to make an ego free effort to try to be better, to be more like my Savior, and at the same time to be patient with that process as I will only be perfected in Him on His timetable and by trusting in Him.
In one of my earlier posts I mentioned that life is full of events that produce the negative emotions that have traditionally been triggers for overeating for me. This week I've seen those things in my life but have noticed that a lot of those 'conditions' are also self imposed. I guess what I'm getting at is the realization of how interconnected the challenges in our lives are.
I've always assumed that losing weight and getting fit would be beneficial beyond health and physical ability. I've assumed that it would boost confidence, self image etc. This week has shown me though that the conditions that produce the negative emotions that I try to avoid by overeating, cannot simply be combated by replacing the desire to overeat with a more productive activity. Yes that is the method that should be employed but if I am going to get at the heart of the matter I must also address the conditions that produce those negative emotions--at least the ones I have direct control over.
Though this, taken as a whole, can seem an utterly daunting task, the thought of which might lead one to In n' Out, I guess I'm just really comfortable with the fact that the changes I'm trying to make in my life may take some time. To quote one of my favorite movies,'Peaceful Warrior', it is the journey that matters. Not that I want to take a long time, but that I recognize that this will not be solved immediately nor do I need it to be to assuage my ego.
I feel curiously free from the ego driven impulse to be 'successful' on a weight loss and exercise program by the virtue of 'my own strength of will'-- an illusion I've fallen for countless times. I think that ego has been one of my biggest inhibitors to success. It is my ego that has suggested that for so long I need to struggle alone, and hide my failures and overeating.
We are blessed with friends and family on the earth in part for the very purpose of aiding each other in our endeavors to be better. Yet I have been, indeed many of us are convinced that we must maintain this strange facade that we are islands capable by the virtue of our own strength of will to become that which we are utterly dependent on our Savior to become; perfected in Christ.
The implication then follows that if we, as disciples of Christ are striving to do what He would do were he here, are we not then tasked with aiding in the efforts of each other to be better? This is not an extraordinary thought by any means, most of us are willing to help close friends and family should we be asked to do so.
What I do think is an interesting thought is the other side of that coin: Are we as individuals ready to be aided in our efforts to be better by those around us that are trying to do as Christ would do were He here? How often does the Savior offer His outstretched hand in the form of a close friend or a family member who is striving to act on His behalf, only to have it figuratively batted away by our own ego/pride that insists that we must accomplish our righteous desires by virtue of our own strength and faith alone?
Obviously I'm not suggesting that the mighty change of heart that accompanies a mighty change of the person can come from any source but repentance and faith on our Savior. Alma the senior at the waters of Mormon put it to his followers this way: Mosiah 18: 8 "...and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light...".
This scripture suggest to me that we each have burdens to bear but that we can choose to make them lighter by helping others with their burdens while at the same time accepting help of others to lighten our own. While one could make the argument that bearing the heavier burden can only make us stronger, I would suggest instead that bearing the lighter burden will enable us to journey further on the road to being perfected in Christ. In other words we can go farther/be better as individuals by bearing each others burdens than we can by saying 'I am strong and will bear my burdens alone! They are mine and I will own them!!'
Take it from me, when weighed down with the full weight of your own burdens it only makes you less able to help others bear their burdens. Less capable of living well. Less capable of being happy. Less capable of being successful in your righteous endeavors. I've struggled under the weight of those burdens for too long; the weight of which I've dealt with by repeatedly plunging myself into an overeating induced dopamine fog.
To be human is to be fallen--to be in a perpetual state of weakness that only the sacrifice of our Lord Jesus Christ can rescue us from. In this way we are 'nothing' because we can merit nothing of ourselves. It is our ego or pride that tries to suggest by hiding our weaknesses that we are something, when truly we are nothing. I actually love being nothing for it is when I do not pretend to be something that I am best able to be what my God would have me be. While I'm not talking about announcing our imperfections from the pulpit on Sunday it is cathartic for me to remember that I do not have to pretend to be perfect in order to be loved, in order to be a help to others, in order to do what the Savior would do were He here. Being nothing allows me to make an ego free effort to try to be better, to be more like my Savior, and at the same time to be patient with that process as I will only be perfected in Him on His timetable and by trusting in Him.
Friday, January 11, 2013
"To Gladden the Heart"
In my process of trying to examine the nature of my relationship with food my stunning wife reminded me of a phrase in the scriptures. Referencing food she mentioned 'to gladden the heart'. This morning I undertook a study of the phrase which I originally thought was in section 89 (word of wisdom) of the Doctrine and Covenants. It's actually in section 59. I would highly recommend reading the entire section to anyone who needs reminded of how the Lord sees our relationship with food. It really hit home with me in reminding/confirming many of the things I've been thinking about. Here is an excerpt from section 59:
18 Yea, all things which come of the earth, in the season thereof, are made for the abenefit and the buse of man, both to please the eye and to cgladden the heart;
19 Yea, for afood and for raiment, for taste and for smell, tobstrengthen the body and to enliven the soul.
20 And it pleaseth God that he hath given all these things unto man; for unto this end were they made to be used, with judgment, not to aexcess, neither by extortion.
The idea of emotional eating has always in my eyes had a negative connotation. If I'm sad, depressed, or in some other sort of emotional distress then I have in the past (indeed for most of my past) tried to feel better by overeating bad foods. Specifically foods laden with heavy fat, salt, and sugar. I joked about the 'Chinese buffet induced dopamine coma' in my other post, but modern science tells us about the relationship to food and the pleasure centric brain chemical 'dopamine' that is released into our bodies after we eat. This is a totally normal response to food, that is backed up in both scripture and science. How fun when they meet head on huh?
The problem apparently comes when we do not heed the Lords admonition to use these things with judgement and not to excess.
There is an excellent article in Scientific American that is reviewing research of this very thing in rats. Here is a link to the article: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=addicted-to-fat-eating
It's a quick read, only two pages but here are some interesting highlights:
1. There is a baseline or 'normal' amount of dopamine receptors in a healthy rat brain.
2. They found that with excessive eating, the amount of dopamine receptors (or the ability to feel pleasure from the activity) decreased--causing the rats to need to eat more in order to feel the same amount of pleasure. (if this sounds familiar, like a drug addict needing more and more drugs to get the same high, it is. They found a lot of similarities between the food addicted and drug addicted rats.)
3. With cocaine the number of dopamine receptors in the rats brains returned to baseline or normal after only 2 days. With food it took almost two weeks. 'Well that's because they had to eat during those two weeks right?' No, what they found is that (though probably not in all cases) after feeding the rats a high fat high sugar diet for 40 days and then depriving them of it, and only offering the 'bland lab approved rat chow', the rats would not eat for 2 weeks before they finally gave in and ate the rat chow!
4. After addicting the rats to high fat/sugar diets they conditioned them by turning on a light that would indicate that an electric shock was imminent. The rats could leave their eating to avoid the electric shock but chose instead to continue to eat through the shock!! --This one made me laugh at loud. Despite the fact that there are very real consequences to human overeating that are plainly manifested; being fat, out of shape, not having good energy, not feeling confident, self hatred, expensive, disease, early death, and on and on and on, we continue to eat on right through that electric shock! I think that when you feel a kinship to a rat in a food study it is time to let your spirit rise up and overcome the natural man.
None of this, I think, is ground breaking especially to those of us who have any spiritual common sense. In section 59 the Lord tells us that these things (whole foods) are there to 'gladden the heart', 'strengthen the body', and 'enliven the soul'. Food as a source of heart gladdening, soul enlivening, and body strengthening is pleasing unto the Lord. He just gives us the caveat that they are there to be used 'with judgement, not to excess, neither by extortion'. (not sure how the extortion part relates, anyone?)
This also explains to me why healthy foods began to taste so good to me shortly after I stopped eating too much high fat/high sugar foods. My receptors have begun to reset. What a blessing the Restored Gospel is. While the purpose of scientific research is different I think it incredibly ironic that science is so far behind the Gospel of Jesus Christ in understanding human nature.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Week One
After one week on my program I'm down 10 pounds. Current weight is 320 lbs.
That is with no exercise. Why no exercise!!!??? Well, I actually intended to exercise from day one, but I found that with the extreme change in my diet plan I just felt I needed to make only one massive adjustment at a time. In hindsight I am really glad I did it that way.
I've noticed this week a different focus to my efforts that has had a very positive effect on my overall outlook for being successful. I used to look at my New Years resolutions as a time to get really psyched up, make overly ambitious goals and start a diet and exercise program in a blaze of glory, only to fizzle out after my ability and desire to fight against my emotional crutch of overeating bad food is smothered down to embers. Then I try to reignite those embers with a fresh infusion of self hatred that inevitably produces the 'need' to lose consciousness in a Chinese buffet induced dopamine coma. Hooray! 10 years later you're still fat and out of shape.
This New Year I'm taking a different approach. I'm trying this time to change the very nature of my relationship with food. What events in my life cause me to want to overeat? Because life is full of the conditions that produce these events I need to retrain myself to replace my inclination to eat with more healthy and productive thoughts and behaviors. That effort needed all of my attention last week, and I'm sure it will continue to take considerable effort and focused mental energy for some time to come.
Though I've begun exercising as of this week, I'm really not being that particular about what I do, I'm just doing something. This morning I through a my Biggest Loser Boot Camp DVD in and worked out to the point that I could really feel just how out of shape I am. I'll continue to do some sort of cardio workout, and some sort of resistance training 5-6 days a week. For now its the Biggest Loser Boot Camp DVD.
At some point in the next few days, weeks, or even months I'll begin to focus on changing the very nature of my relationship with physical activity in my life. I have a few ideas about how that will look, but I think that just like my relationship with food, that change will be an organic one and will probably evolve as I go, do, and learn.
That is with no exercise. Why no exercise!!!??? Well, I actually intended to exercise from day one, but I found that with the extreme change in my diet plan I just felt I needed to make only one massive adjustment at a time. In hindsight I am really glad I did it that way.
I've noticed this week a different focus to my efforts that has had a very positive effect on my overall outlook for being successful. I used to look at my New Years resolutions as a time to get really psyched up, make overly ambitious goals and start a diet and exercise program in a blaze of glory, only to fizzle out after my ability and desire to fight against my emotional crutch of overeating bad food is smothered down to embers. Then I try to reignite those embers with a fresh infusion of self hatred that inevitably produces the 'need' to lose consciousness in a Chinese buffet induced dopamine coma. Hooray! 10 years later you're still fat and out of shape.
This New Year I'm taking a different approach. I'm trying this time to change the very nature of my relationship with food. What events in my life cause me to want to overeat? Because life is full of the conditions that produce these events I need to retrain myself to replace my inclination to eat with more healthy and productive thoughts and behaviors. That effort needed all of my attention last week, and I'm sure it will continue to take considerable effort and focused mental energy for some time to come.
Though I've begun exercising as of this week, I'm really not being that particular about what I do, I'm just doing something. This morning I through a my Biggest Loser Boot Camp DVD in and worked out to the point that I could really feel just how out of shape I am. I'll continue to do some sort of cardio workout, and some sort of resistance training 5-6 days a week. For now its the Biggest Loser Boot Camp DVD.
At some point in the next few days, weeks, or even months I'll begin to focus on changing the very nature of my relationship with physical activity in my life. I have a few ideas about how that will look, but I think that just like my relationship with food, that change will be an organic one and will probably evolve as I go, do, and learn.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Mental Retraining
So today was fast Sunday, and given how much I've been restricting, I wasn't looking forward to it. All the same though I found I was able to handle the hunger better than I usually do simply because I've been somewhat hungry all week.
After breaking my fast and eating I found that I inevitably ate too much. The fun thing was that it was too much way before it used to be. I used to be able to knock down 2 or 3 helpings of post-fast Sunday dinner and still be ready for more. Today I put down one, started into another and found I was completely stuffed half way through.
This got me to thinking about the mental retraining that I need to do. One thing about being a bit hungry during the week is that I realized the sky is not going to fall if I'm a bit hungry, and that I do not need to put down 3000 calories in a single meal to make up for it.
I know this again may sound strange to some who've always lived in skinny bodies, but I've never really imagined a world in which I don't overeat on a regular basis. In my world (or the world that I'm endeavoring to leave) you diet and work out to lose weight, and then once you've lost the weight you get to go back to 'enjoying' food by eating too much of it.
I discuss this mental attitude of a healthy person quite extensively in the first post of this blog, but there is a difference between discussing it on a cerebral level and actually experiencing this idea that even after I've been hungry for a long time, I can just eat a normal portion and be satisfied.
I know it seems like I'm making elementary points here, points that are common knowledge, but so often the inertia of a lifetime of ingrained poor choices carries us careening past our own logic and intelligence along a river of habit, and subconscious needs. It is a comforting river if for no other reason than that we know it. We know how it works, and we're comfortable there. We even take comfort in our ability to see that it is time to get out of the water, that staying there is making our lives difficult, yet we remain. I can see the problem, I know what the problem is, I even know how to fix it, but I know overeating will be there for me when I'm having a difficult time.
I'm not suggesting that I've conquered my desire or need for overeating. I'm just saying that after fasting today, overeating and realizing that I really didn't need to I can see that it is possible to actually live that way happily. To not have a constant love hate relationship with food. You love it so you eat a ton of it, then you hate yourself for eating too much again and blame the culprit that 'made' you do it.
Experiencing that today was worth more than writing a 200 page book on the subject.
After breaking my fast and eating I found that I inevitably ate too much. The fun thing was that it was too much way before it used to be. I used to be able to knock down 2 or 3 helpings of post-fast Sunday dinner and still be ready for more. Today I put down one, started into another and found I was completely stuffed half way through.
This got me to thinking about the mental retraining that I need to do. One thing about being a bit hungry during the week is that I realized the sky is not going to fall if I'm a bit hungry, and that I do not need to put down 3000 calories in a single meal to make up for it.
I know this again may sound strange to some who've always lived in skinny bodies, but I've never really imagined a world in which I don't overeat on a regular basis. In my world (or the world that I'm endeavoring to leave) you diet and work out to lose weight, and then once you've lost the weight you get to go back to 'enjoying' food by eating too much of it.
I discuss this mental attitude of a healthy person quite extensively in the first post of this blog, but there is a difference between discussing it on a cerebral level and actually experiencing this idea that even after I've been hungry for a long time, I can just eat a normal portion and be satisfied.
I know it seems like I'm making elementary points here, points that are common knowledge, but so often the inertia of a lifetime of ingrained poor choices carries us careening past our own logic and intelligence along a river of habit, and subconscious needs. It is a comforting river if for no other reason than that we know it. We know how it works, and we're comfortable there. We even take comfort in our ability to see that it is time to get out of the water, that staying there is making our lives difficult, yet we remain. I can see the problem, I know what the problem is, I even know how to fix it, but I know overeating will be there for me when I'm having a difficult time.
I'm not suggesting that I've conquered my desire or need for overeating. I'm just saying that after fasting today, overeating and realizing that I really didn't need to I can see that it is possible to actually live that way happily. To not have a constant love hate relationship with food. You love it so you eat a ton of it, then you hate yourself for eating too much again and blame the culprit that 'made' you do it.
Experiencing that today was worth more than writing a 200 page book on the subject.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Triumph and Challenge
I recently had a discussion with one of my sisters in-law about the difficulty of getting back 'on' after eating whatever you want whenever you want during the holidays. Yes I know that not everyone eats themselves stupid over the holidays, but I did the last 6 weeks leading up to January 1st. (and the six weeks before that, and the six weeks before that...) Let's face it food during the holidays is not only delicious and plentiful but comforting and traditional. January 1st I honestly did not know if I would be able to go from that to a calorie restricted diet.
It was difficult at first. Partly because I went with a really calorie restricted diet plan that I'll talk more about in another post. I'll tell you the triumph first, this is my 5th day on this plan and I've already noticed a few things:
1. I've lost the 9 pounds I gained over the holidays. Water weight most likely but still encouraging to see.
2. It's cliche to say, but I'm just surprised how much better the food I do eat tastes.
3. I just feel better, more focused, and more able to make good food choices over bad ones.
It has not come without challenge. That kind of immediate calorie restriction made me slightly desperate for food the first few days. I didn't physically feel ill but I noticed I was walking around 'carefully' like I was somehow fragile or something. Consequently for one or two meals I over indulged in terms of portion size and one meal was way too salty. That wasn't an issue as much on days and three and four.
The biggest challenge came yesterday when I had my first encounter with an emotional/secret eating temptation. I got frustrated with one of my children and raised my voice. I almost always feel bad when that happens and so I then retreated into my heretofore standard emotional coping methods. Find some excuse to get out of the house and go through a drive-thru. Do anything I can to fill the spiritual/emotional pain with physical food. (seems ludicrous when put that way no?) I even sat there and tried to justify it in my diet plan, oh one time will be fine, or I'll just exercise extra, or I'll eat less tomorrow. And so it begins. These are the excuses I've always used so it was good to face them not as my enabling friends but as foes to be defeated. I didn't feel that way in the moment. If you haven't dealt with food addiction you may not appreciate how difficult those moments can be. I did not see them as conquerable at the time. But I knew that if I hurried and called my wife before I could talk myself out of it and told her of my plan to secretly eat I would not do it. So I did call her and instead of sneaking out and eating two double cheeseburgers I had two bowls of the most delicious low-fat chicken and vegetable soup instead. Thanks Dana for that recipe!
I know it's only been a few days, but with little triumphs come incremental increases in confidence in ones ability to handle the next challenge. With failure comes opportunity to learn how to succeed. I'm sure I'll experience both, but hopefully the general trajectory will be up...er...em, down. : )
Thursday, January 3, 2013
It is difficult looking at failure...
It's hard to see it. My intention to do better did not apparently last even a week to the next Monday from that last post. I thought about erasing that post. After all how embarrassing that not only did I not achieve my goal, I did not even make it a week to post on this site! To compound that failure as of January 2013, I did not lose 60 pounds I gained 9. Yes indeed that makes a total of 330lbs as of January 1, 2013. Awesome.
Though I've been heavier than that I've never seen that number on a scale. I didn't like it. That's not the only thing. Last Sunday for the first time I can remember I was having a hard time keeping my white shirt tucked into my pants. I couldn't figure it out, what is going on? When I got on the scale after avoiding it for months I realized that my extra girth was no longer going to be contained in my already very large white shirt. As attractive as it is to walk around with your spare tire hanging out of your shirt and below your belt line, I decided that maybe the new year might be a great time to recommit to my desires of last August. I was also spurred on by the very uncomfortable to mention fact that it has become difficult to reach certain areas of my, ahem, anatomy, for cleansing purposes. I'm having difficulty putting on socks, and shoes (thank goodness for my slip-ons), and most of my clothes are uncomfortable. I'm down to like two t-shirts that I look for every morning in my drawer because I don't feel uncomfortable in them.
Why on earth would I share such details? (I'll understand if you decide not to read the blog now) Why would I not erase posts with the obvious evidence of my continued weight loss failures? Because I believe that overcoming something that has been a challenge all of my life will not happen by myself, on my own, and in secret.
I have long needed to step out of the shadows of this problem and realize and accept that I will not be able to do this alone, and certainly not in secret. I'd love to be the mighty warrior who ducks his head down and emerges 6 months later a fit and trim athlete. I have fantasies about that. Meeting my separated family members and friends after several months and getting kudos and accolades for a job well done. 'Wow look at Dan he's so disciplined'. Well I'm not. Not yet. Currently I'm very undisciplined. Again not a surprise to most.
It is too easy to do well for a few days or even a few weeks, then fall off the treadmill onto the bench at the buffet, and lie to yourself about your intentions to do better next week, and then the next week, and the next week until you wake up 10 years later and you're still saying it, and you're still fat and out of shape. It is too easy to fool yourself into thinking that your stated intentions only will win you some kind of respect or accolades from those with whom you share them, in an effort to gain external validation that is desperately needed to cover the lack of an internal sense of self worth; Self worth which can only be gained by living(doing, acting) according to ones knowledge of right and wrong.
The irony is that once you've done the work and lost the weight the external validation becomes meaningless for the purpose it was originally sought. Which is why it is such a poor initial motivator. Whether negative or positive, external validation is a poor motivator compared to an internal desire to become the person that you want to become, the person that God would have you be.
There is, I think, a big difference between external validation--(compliments of the moment that are sought to cover a lack of inner self worth), and external support for ones efforts to be better; which is the kind of help I'm hoping to get from those I invite to this blog.
Hiding my failures, (the consequences of which are not actually hidden) simply allows me to continue to fail in the same way. Instead of accepting the areas in which I clearly have weaknesses and putting a plan in place to overcome them, I tend to protect them in secrecy, where they are free to become the excuses I use to continue my indulgence of the 'natural man.'
So I have to choose between being comfortable and continuing to make the same token efforts that have produced no results, but a lot of lies which I tell myself to help me feel better in the moment about the fact that I am living a life below it's potential, (soothing little lies, the lies of intention); or the other choice of making myself uncomfortable by shining some light on these lies and protected areas like my secret eating to some of my closest friends and family members.
I hope I can count on your support.
Though I've been heavier than that I've never seen that number on a scale. I didn't like it. That's not the only thing. Last Sunday for the first time I can remember I was having a hard time keeping my white shirt tucked into my pants. I couldn't figure it out, what is going on? When I got on the scale after avoiding it for months I realized that my extra girth was no longer going to be contained in my already very large white shirt. As attractive as it is to walk around with your spare tire hanging out of your shirt and below your belt line, I decided that maybe the new year might be a great time to recommit to my desires of last August. I was also spurred on by the very uncomfortable to mention fact that it has become difficult to reach certain areas of my, ahem, anatomy, for cleansing purposes. I'm having difficulty putting on socks, and shoes (thank goodness for my slip-ons), and most of my clothes are uncomfortable. I'm down to like two t-shirts that I look for every morning in my drawer because I don't feel uncomfortable in them.
Why on earth would I share such details? (I'll understand if you decide not to read the blog now) Why would I not erase posts with the obvious evidence of my continued weight loss failures? Because I believe that overcoming something that has been a challenge all of my life will not happen by myself, on my own, and in secret.
I have long needed to step out of the shadows of this problem and realize and accept that I will not be able to do this alone, and certainly not in secret. I'd love to be the mighty warrior who ducks his head down and emerges 6 months later a fit and trim athlete. I have fantasies about that. Meeting my separated family members and friends after several months and getting kudos and accolades for a job well done. 'Wow look at Dan he's so disciplined'. Well I'm not. Not yet. Currently I'm very undisciplined. Again not a surprise to most.
It is too easy to do well for a few days or even a few weeks, then fall off the treadmill onto the bench at the buffet, and lie to yourself about your intentions to do better next week, and then the next week, and the next week until you wake up 10 years later and you're still saying it, and you're still fat and out of shape. It is too easy to fool yourself into thinking that your stated intentions only will win you some kind of respect or accolades from those with whom you share them, in an effort to gain external validation that is desperately needed to cover the lack of an internal sense of self worth; Self worth which can only be gained by living(doing, acting) according to ones knowledge of right and wrong.
The irony is that once you've done the work and lost the weight the external validation becomes meaningless for the purpose it was originally sought. Which is why it is such a poor initial motivator. Whether negative or positive, external validation is a poor motivator compared to an internal desire to become the person that you want to become, the person that God would have you be.
There is, I think, a big difference between external validation--(compliments of the moment that are sought to cover a lack of inner self worth), and external support for ones efforts to be better; which is the kind of help I'm hoping to get from those I invite to this blog.
Hiding my failures, (the consequences of which are not actually hidden) simply allows me to continue to fail in the same way. Instead of accepting the areas in which I clearly have weaknesses and putting a plan in place to overcome them, I tend to protect them in secrecy, where they are free to become the excuses I use to continue my indulgence of the 'natural man.'
So I have to choose between being comfortable and continuing to make the same token efforts that have produced no results, but a lot of lies which I tell myself to help me feel better in the moment about the fact that I am living a life below it's potential, (soothing little lies, the lies of intention); or the other choice of making myself uncomfortable by shining some light on these lies and protected areas like my secret eating to some of my closest friends and family members.
I hope I can count on your support.
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