Weeks 13-17

Current weight 310lbs. Well as many have probably surmised by my silence, I've not had very good news to report and so I've not reported anything. I suppose maintaining the weight I've lost till now is a positive thing, but I'm afraid with the exception of not eating fast food, I've had plenty of instances of emotional eating and overeating. I've also done a good bit of exercise and thanks to my wife have been eating more vegetables. I just finished re-reading all of my previous posts and am energized to refocus my efforts again on my relationship with food, or rather improving that relationship, and becoming a fit person. 

My mind is still very much pondering on the thoughts of my previous post and has been for a few weeks now. I've been struck of late by the purpose of this earth life. We hear in Sunday school from a very young age that we come to earth to get a body and to be tested. Indeed Abraham says: 

3:25 And we will ^aprove them herewith, to see if they will ^bdo all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them;

The operative word in this case is of course 'do'. What has struck me about myself of late though is how easily I will tell myself that I 'will do' something, but then do not do it. I do this to the point that telling myself I can or will do something soothes my conscience and becomes the excuse or justification for not acting, and not accomplishing. I imagine much the same problem with our existence in the pre-existence. We had to come to this earth because it is so easy to say, or think we can do something. It is quite another matter to actually do it. 

The day in day out work, discipline, and sacrifice tests our resolution and desire, and it becomes so easy at that point to soothe ourselves with the thought 'oh well I can choose to continue my efforts, I have that ability, so that is enough, and I'm just going to choose to eat this double chocolate brownie. I know I can choose not to eat it if I want, and the fact that I know that is enough. Heck I chose not to eat it yesterday, and the day before so I know I can, and that's enough.' Well it is not enough, it never has been. The purpose of this life is not to 'believe' we can do something, but to do. 

Heather and I have both noted recently at our annoyance that despite how thoroughly we clean the kitchen or the bathroom, or the family room etc, that the darn things just don't stay clean. Inevitably the next meal comes, the kids come, etc. and it all has to be done again...several times a day...7 days a week, 365 days a year. Unfortunately becoming fit presents the same problem. Can you imagine what would happen if 'I said well I cleaned the kitchen yesterday 3 times, and the day before 3 times. I KNOW I could clean it again today, if I wanted to so that's enough. One day of that? Messy, but cleanable. Two days, harder to clean, no clean dishes. Three days? No clean dishes must order pizza. Four days? Rotting food, and a horrible smell. A week or two? Here comes the rats and CPS to take your children away. A much belabored point I grant you but to see the effects of this attitude as it pertains to health is a simple look in the mirror for me. 

We all have things that we do well; areas of our lives in which we excel at doing. I think we also all have areas where, for what ever reason, we just do not act in, areas where we excuse ourselves somehow from our responsibility to act. Whether good excuses or poor excuses we absolve ourselves of our responsibility. Do I have a good excuse to skip exercise because I'm up with my new born infant a couple times a night? Yeah, that's a great excuse, but that doesn't change the fact that I have not 'done', I did not do, I did not act. 

 I don't think not acting in that situation is necessarily a problem unless the excuses begin to pile up, excuse good, or bad, after excuse, month after month, year after year. It is so easy for me to say, 'oh well when my son is sleeping through the night then, then I'll do it, then I'll exercise.' Reasonable? Yes unless you've been making excuses good and bad for years. With that pattern one more excuse is not one more excuse, one more excuse equals resignation that the pattern of not doing, for whatever reason, will continue. 

As reasonable as it may sound for me to use the excuse of low sleep for not exercising, a man who is trying to do, trying to accomplish something would recognize that he still could have been eating well. Did it all have to go out the window because of one 'good' excuse? Yes it is true that with low sleep the stress hormone Cortisol increases which makes you want to eat more. Is that a reasonable excuse? Sure! 10 years later you're still fat and out of shape. 

What an ingenious plan for the growth and development of Gods children is this Earth life. We are here to become doers. Doers of all things whatsoever the Lord God commands us. Believing, and envisioning that we can do is a necessary and important first step, but it cannot replace the real thing. If it could we could all have stayed in the pre-existence, and continued our eternal progression to be more like our Father. This life, is all about doing. I personally must be careful that saying I 'will do' something, or that I 'can do' something does not become anymore an excuse for not doing something. 

Weeks 7-12: Talkers vs Doers

During weeks 7-12  I've only lost another 2 lbs. Current weight is 310 lbs.

As many of you know the last 5 weeks have been a challenge with our new son. I've had a few instances of regression with emotional eating including occasional overeating. I have however not been binge eating, and I've stayed away from fast food. I suppose the best way to describe my efforts is that I've been in a bit of a holding pattern.

I've been struck a lot lately at the difference between those who understand a concept and talk about it, vs those who understand a concept, thoroughly and successfully over time implement it, and then talk about it after they've lived the results. There is a power in their words that is not present in the non-implementer. There is no oratory (or prose) that can overcome the lack of devoted, persistent and consistent application of correct principals. While the words spoken may be accurate, and even useful to a humble seeker, they lack the force of authority, confidence and depth of understanding that comes from an applier.

I've had two experiences lately that have reinforced these ideas to me. The first was a stake president interview for a temple recommend renewal. Our Stake President has always seemed a good man, very friendly, and very humble, but I would not describe him as a highly charismatic individual. Intimidating is the last word I would choose to describe him. I think sometimes it is easy to mistake that kind of humility for shall we say a 'pliable' or easily coerced temperament. (Not that I was trying to coerce...promise!!) At any rate, despite this initial impression of him, as I sat across from him looking into his eyes and answering the temple questions I was stunned at the mans authority, and personal power. I cannot recall another instance where I felt so powerfully Godly nobility in another person. He was just asking the temple questions, not being dramatic in the least but to say I sensed his authority and his personal conviction and application of righteousness in his life is an understatement. The room was absolutely saturated by it. 

The other experience was in sacrament meeting last week where the exact opposite occurred. A good looking young man, who was well spoken, presented a talk that was a veritable research paper of quotable quotes. He spoke in a slow, deliberate manner like a statesmen, or one who was trying to sound as profound as the words might merit. I have no problem with people quoting other people in talks but he was not attributing his quotes instead attempting to sound like he owned and had lived the knowledge he was trying to impart. My assumption is that his motives were mostly pure, he truly wanted to say something that might be of a benefit to the listeners, but his words had no authority, and no power, only pretended confidence.

The irony is that appliers tend to be able to see the non-appliers very easily. It is only when you begin to become an applier yourself that you recognize just how much of a talker you were, and how most appliers around you knew that anyway, but were too kind to say anything. Too kind or too frustrated as the talker already 'knows' it, and takes comfort in their ability to 'understand' intellectually a principal only. "Ever learning but never coming to a knowledge" says Peter.

What in the world does this have to do with weight loss? The efforts I'm making are mostly about learning to become an applier of knowledge. If I gain nothing else but an increased ability to do that I will consider my efforts worth while. In my efforts what I'm finding out about myself is often very painful to see, but such is the nature of breaking down our own false conceptions and mis-beliefs. Facing these parts of myself has been and continues to be very difficult. The resulting pain and even loss I feel at the lack of a ready excuse to stay stuck where I have been however I think will be thoroughly worth it if it means becoming a doer and applier of knowledge. Then and only then can we effectively impart knowledge to the aid of others. Until then, well, its just talk.

Weeks 4, 5, and 6

Current weight is 312lbs. This represents a pretty significant slow down in weight loss but I believe a reasonable victory in my improving relationship with food.

Life has a way of throwing opportunities at us to test our efforts and desire for change. What I've noticed is that we have opportunities all of the time to choose either to continue down certain roads or to forge others. The familiar worn path is the hardest to abandon because it is the easiest to walk; even if we don't like what we see and experience down certain paths, as I have said before they are at least familiar to us. That unfortunately is enough in many cases.

When I was deep in the throws of my food addiction, the 'opportunity' to eat poorly was constantly presenting itself. I took those 'opportunities' as I then viewed them so often that it became very difficult to not take them. The nature of that compulsion is not that you physically can't refuse, if someone put a gun to my head and said don't eat that cheese burger of course I would have the ability to stop. It is that you've laid down the mental patterns so thoroughly that breaking those mental patterns is nearly impossible. You've mentally/emotionally worked your way around accountability for your actions. Even your self hatred feeds this mental process, indeed it is one of the most powerful of all emotions in compelling the continuation of the bad behavior.

It is a process of repeated deep seeded justification and lies that lay down patterns and thought processes that you convince yourself that you can't escape, or that you don't want to. It is a thick web that even close friends and family cannot penetrate because it must be extremely carefully constructed in order to live with yourself from day to day. It is the most ludicrous thing--you build a prison around yourself and then convince yourself that there is no escape from it.

There are other opportunities though, other paths. In many cases they are unknown or little known. It reminds me of the scene in the matrix you can see here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAl8z-eSFy0

The easiest way to understand these paths is to remember an axiom by Steven R. Covey: 'there is a space between stimulus and response'. When we form bad habits, that space can become very small, and we can fool ourselves into thinking that it doesn't exist, but it does no matter how small, or how carefully we've tried to obscure it. It may even take some major effort to find that ability to act instead of react, but we can choose in that space to continue down paths we know, or to forge new ones that will draw us closer to the kind of people we ultimately want to be.

With the premature birth of my son this last week the opportunity to choose old paths based on the severity of the stress were abundant. It was not the physical path to the drive-through that I might have feared as much as the mental/emotional path to the way I used to deal with stress that was the danger. The past week of dealing with these external stresses has presented one opportunity after another to choose either old destructive paths or new ones. I was not strict on my program at all, but I also did not overeat, and I stayed far away from the drive through. It has left me with quite a bit more confidence that I have the mental ability to deal with stress in a more productive way than I have in the past, and despite the tepid weight loss I'm calling that a victory.

Week 3: Aversion to self loathing

Week 3 brought some real world challenges. I am actually up one pound for a total weight loss of 13 lbs in 3 weeks and my current weight is 317 lbs.

My wife's grandfather passed away and we went to California for the weekend to be with family and go to his funeral. Before I left I made a calculated decision not to take the shake mix I've been supplementing 2 of my meals a day with. My goal was to put myself in a situation that I could enjoy good food, without eating too much of it. I was not perfectly successful at this. Twice I had seconds on things that I should have probably been content with after the first portion. The triumph though is that in the past I've often eaten much more than this at every opportunity, and with every bite of food after a 'healthy' portion I would feel worse and worse and need to cope with more and more food until I was literally stuffed and/or sick.

It was a good exercise for me as most often overeating leads to the above mentioned self doubt and self loathing; an emotional state that I try to fight against by 'acting' like I am not feeling that way. The act though is never ultimately as successful as the actor might hope. The really skilled ones use a specific persona that would either indicate a carelessness about their condition of self hatred, 'protect' their emotional vulnerability from those around them. Examples might include overcompensating by being the funny fat guy, or taking digs at yourself all the time. Using self deprecating language or always putting yourself on the short end of a comparison with others.

The one I adopted over the years was that of an angry or overly serious person. I remember my wife telling me that some of the people in our ward in Boston thought of me as unapproachable or angry. They would be surprised when they got to know me a little that I was more approachable than they thought, and even knew an elephant joke or two. To this day I struggle with this to the point that any perfect stranger who is beguilingly cheery and has the audacity to smile and say hello to me on the street can make me feel like an immature idiot for the scowl that is constantly etched on my face. (Yes this happened yesterday). I immediately have to either re-adjust my face into something more appropriate which is surprisingly difficult to do in the miliseconds of such an encounter, or offer a compliant grunt in exchange for the genuine pleasantness that can only be offered by someone who is genuinely pleasant. That grunt is only one tiny step higher than simply walking away and leaving an impression which is at best, of a man who's having a bad day, and at worst of the guy who's gonna follow you back to your car, punch your lights out and steal your radio.

I suppose I could spend pages analyzing why I wear that angry facade but I think it is as simple as a protection from feeling vulnerable. Which leads me back to feeling self doubt and self loathing after overeating. I had become so used to employing my 'act' or protectionist efforts that I didn't even have to think about it. I'd overeat, hide it, then employ any number of acts to protect myself from my self inflicted vulnerability. That usually involves some sort of distancing oneself emotionally from friends and family, and physically from strangers by either not going out in public(I always eat fast food alone in the car, never in the restaurant) or looking really mean and scary or occupied on your iPhone when you do.

The exciting part, and I mean thrilling part is that I've started trying to pay attention to the pain again instead of covering it up with an act; and guess what? I hate it!! I hate the pain! I hate the disappointment that I've let myself be beaten by my bodies craving for lots of high fat, high sugar, high salt foods. I hate that I'm acting in a way that will lead me away from, not to, everything I want in this life. This is a hatred I did not expect and that I'm currently trying to nurture to the point that it will overpower my desire to eat bad foods.

Great tasting natural food in reasonable portions is not only fuel for the body but as I said in my other post is specifically intended by God to lift our spirits. I am not there yet, not even close but I'm beginning to see some lights at the end of the tunnel that indicate that I may not actually have to always fight against a desire to overeat bad foods.  That just like many bad habits I avoid completely I might be able to build an aversion to this one that could be powerful enough to make the thought of that indulgence laughable. That my friends is euphorically exciting for me.

Week Two

Well at the end of week two I'm down 4 lbs for a total of 14 pounds in two weeks. Current weight 316lbs.

In one of my earlier posts I mentioned that life is full of events that produce the negative emotions that have traditionally been triggers for overeating for me. This week I've seen those things in my life but have noticed that a lot of those 'conditions' are also self imposed. I guess what I'm getting at is the realization of how interconnected the challenges in our lives are.

I've always assumed that losing weight and getting fit would be beneficial beyond health and physical ability. I've assumed that it would boost confidence, self image etc. This week has shown me though that the conditions that produce the negative emotions that I try to avoid by overeating, cannot simply be combated by replacing the desire to overeat with a more productive activity. Yes that is the method that should be employed but if I am going to get at the heart of the matter I must also address the conditions that produce those negative emotions--at least the ones I have direct control over.

Though this, taken as a whole, can seem an utterly daunting task, the thought of which might lead one to In n' Out, I guess I'm just really comfortable with the fact that the changes I'm trying to make in my life may take some time. To quote one of my favorite movies,'Peaceful Warrior', it is the journey that matters. Not that I want to take a long time, but that I recognize that this will not be solved immediately nor do I need it to be to assuage my ego.

I feel curiously free from the ego driven impulse to be 'successful' on a weight loss and exercise program by the virtue of 'my own strength of will'-- an illusion I've fallen for countless times. I think that ego has been one of my biggest inhibitors to success. It is my ego that has suggested that for so long I need to struggle alone, and hide my failures and overeating.

We are blessed with friends and family on the earth in part for the very purpose of aiding each other in our endeavors to be better. Yet I have been, indeed many of us are convinced that we must maintain this strange facade that we are islands capable by the virtue of our own strength of will to become that which we are utterly dependent on our Savior to become; perfected in Christ.

The implication then follows that if we, as disciples of Christ are striving to do what He would do were he here, are we not then tasked with aiding in the efforts of each other to be better? This is not an extraordinary thought by any means, most of us are willing to help close friends and family should we be asked to do so.

What I do think is an interesting thought is the other side of that coin: Are we as individuals ready to be aided in our efforts to be better by those around us that are trying to do as Christ would do were He here? How often does the Savior offer His outstretched hand in the form of a close friend or a family member who is striving to act on His behalf, only to have it figuratively batted away by our own ego/pride that insists that we must accomplish our righteous desires by virtue of our own strength and faith alone?

Obviously I'm not suggesting that the mighty change of heart that accompanies a mighty change of the person can come from any source but repentance and faith on our Savior. Alma the senior at the waters of Mormon put it to his followers this way: Mosiah 18: 8 "...and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light...".

This scripture suggest to me that we each have burdens to bear but that we can choose to make them lighter by helping others with their burdens while at the same time accepting help of others to lighten our own. While one could make the argument that bearing the heavier burden can only make us stronger, I would suggest instead that bearing the lighter burden will enable us to journey further on the road to being perfected in Christ. In other words we can go farther/be better as individuals by bearing each others burdens than we can by saying 'I am strong and will bear my burdens alone! They are mine and I will own them!!'

Take it from me, when weighed down with the full weight of your own burdens it only makes you less able to help others bear their burdens. Less capable of living well. Less capable of being happy. Less capable of being successful in your righteous endeavors. I've struggled under the weight of those burdens for too long; the weight of which I've dealt with by repeatedly plunging myself into an overeating induced dopamine fog.

To be human is to be fallen--to be in a perpetual state of weakness that only the sacrifice of our Lord Jesus Christ can rescue us from. In this way we are 'nothing' because we can merit nothing of ourselves. It is our ego or pride that tries to suggest by hiding our weaknesses that we are something, when truly we are nothing.  I actually love being nothing for it is when I do not pretend to be something that I am best able to be what my God would have me be. While I'm not talking about announcing our imperfections from the pulpit on Sunday it is cathartic for me to remember that I do not have to pretend to be perfect in order to be loved, in order to be a help to others, in order to do what the Savior would do were He here. Being nothing allows me to make an ego free effort to try to be better, to be more like my Savior, and at the same time to be patient with that process as I will only be perfected in Him on His timetable and by trusting in Him.

"To Gladden the Heart"

In my process of trying to examine the nature of my relationship with food my stunning wife reminded me of a phrase in the scriptures. Referencing food she mentioned 'to gladden the heart'. This morning I undertook a study of the phrase which I originally thought was in section 89 (word of wisdom) of the Doctrine and Covenants. It's actually in section 59. I would highly recommend reading the entire section to anyone who needs reminded of how the Lord sees our relationship with food. It really hit home with me in reminding/confirming many of the things I've been thinking about. Here is an excerpt from section 59:

18 Yea, all things which come of the earth, in the season thereof, are made for the ^abenefit and the ^buse of man, both to please the eye and to ^cgladden the heart;

 19 Yea, for ^afood and for raiment, for taste and for smell, to^bstrengthen the body and to enliven the soul.

 20 And it pleaseth God that he hath given all these things unto man; for unto this end were they made to be used, with judgment, not to ^aexcess, neither by extortion.

The idea of emotional eating has always in my eyes had a negative connotation. If I'm sad, depressed, or in some other sort of emotional distress then I have in the past (indeed for most of my past) tried to feel better by overeating bad foods. Specifically foods laden with heavy fat, salt, and sugar. I joked about the 'Chinese buffet induced dopamine coma' in my other post, but modern science tells us about the relationship to food and the pleasure centric brain chemical 'dopamine' that is released into our bodies after we eat.  This is a totally normal response to food, that is backed up in both scripture and science. How fun when they meet head on huh?

The problem apparently comes when we do not heed the Lords admonition to use these things with judgement and not to excess. 

There is an excellent article in Scientific American that is reviewing research of this very thing in rats. Here is a link to the article: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=addicted-to-fat-eating 

It's a quick read, only two pages but here are some interesting highlights:

1. There is a baseline or 'normal' amount of dopamine receptors in a healthy rat brain. 

2. They found that with excessive eating, the amount of dopamine receptors (or the ability to feel pleasure from the activity) decreased--causing the rats to need to eat more in order to feel the same amount of pleasure.  (if this sounds familiar, like a drug addict needing more and more drugs to get the same high, it is. They found a lot of similarities between the food addicted and drug addicted rats.)

3. With cocaine the number of dopamine receptors in the rats brains returned to baseline or normal after only 2 days. With food it took almost two weeks. 'Well that's because they had to eat during those two weeks right?' No, what they found is that (though probably not in all cases) after feeding the rats a high fat high sugar diet for 40 days and then depriving them of it, and only offering the 'bland lab approved rat chow', the rats would not eat for 2 weeks before they finally gave in and ate the rat chow!

4. After addicting the rats to high fat/sugar diets they conditioned them by turning on a light that would indicate that an electric shock was imminent. The rats could leave their eating to avoid the electric shock but chose instead to continue to eat through the shock!! --This one made me laugh at loud. Despite the fact that there are very real consequences to human overeating that are plainly manifested; being fat, out of shape, not having good energy, not feeling confident, self hatred, expensive, disease, early death, and on and on and on, we continue to eat on right through that electric shock! I think that when you feel a kinship to a rat in a food study it is time to let your spirit rise up and overcome the natural man. 

None of this, I think, is ground breaking especially to those of us who have any spiritual common sense. In section 59 the Lord tells us that these things (whole foods) are there to 'gladden the heart', 'strengthen the body', and 'enliven the soul'. Food as a source of heart gladdening, soul enlivening, and body strengthening is pleasing unto the Lord. He just gives us the caveat that they are there to be used 'with judgement, not to excess, neither by extortion'. (not sure how the extortion part relates, anyone?) 

This also explains to me why healthy foods began to taste so good to me shortly after I stopped eating too much high fat/high sugar foods. My receptors have begun to reset. What a blessing the Restored Gospel is. While the purpose of scientific research is different I think it incredibly ironic that science is so far behind the Gospel of Jesus Christ in understanding human nature. 

Week One

After one week on my program I'm down 10 pounds. Current weight is 320 lbs.

That is with no exercise. Why no exercise!!!??? Well, I actually intended to exercise from day one, but I found that with the extreme change in my diet plan I just felt I needed to make only one massive adjustment at a time. In hindsight I am really glad I did it that way.

I've noticed this week a different focus to my efforts that has had a very positive effect on my overall outlook for being successful. I used to look at my New Years resolutions as a time to get really psyched up, make overly ambitious goals and start a diet and exercise program in a blaze of glory, only to fizzle out after my ability and desire to fight against my emotional crutch of overeating bad food is smothered down to embers. Then I try to reignite those embers with a fresh infusion of self hatred that inevitably produces the 'need' to lose consciousness in a Chinese buffet induced dopamine coma. Hooray! 10 years later you're still fat and out of shape.

This New Year I'm taking a different approach. I'm trying this time to change the very nature of my relationship with food. What events in my life cause me to want to overeat? Because life is full of the conditions that produce these events I need to retrain myself to replace my inclination to eat with more healthy and productive thoughts and behaviors. That effort needed all of my attention last week, and I'm sure it will continue to take considerable effort and focused mental energy for some time to come.

Though I've begun exercising as of this week, I'm really not being that particular about what I do, I'm just doing something. This morning I through a my Biggest Loser Boot Camp DVD in and worked out to the point that I could really feel just how out of shape I am. I'll continue to do some sort of cardio workout, and some sort of resistance training 5-6 days a week. For now its the Biggest Loser Boot Camp DVD.

At some point in the next few days, weeks, or even months I'll begin to focus on changing the very nature of my relationship with physical activity in my life. I have a few ideas about how that will look, but I think that just like my relationship with food, that change will be an organic one and will probably evolve as I go, do, and learn.