Week 3: Aversion to self loathing

Week 3 brought some real world challenges. I am actually up one pound for a total weight loss of 13 lbs in 3 weeks and my current weight is 317 lbs.

My wife's grandfather passed away and we went to California for the weekend to be with family and go to his funeral. Before I left I made a calculated decision not to take the shake mix I've been supplementing 2 of my meals a day with. My goal was to put myself in a situation that I could enjoy good food, without eating too much of it. I was not perfectly successful at this. Twice I had seconds on things that I should have probably been content with after the first portion. The triumph though is that in the past I've often eaten much more than this at every opportunity, and with every bite of food after a 'healthy' portion I would feel worse and worse and need to cope with more and more food until I was literally stuffed and/or sick.

It was a good exercise for me as most often overeating leads to the above mentioned self doubt and self loathing; an emotional state that I try to fight against by 'acting' like I am not feeling that way. The act though is never ultimately as successful as the actor might hope. The really skilled ones use a specific persona that would either indicate a carelessness about their condition of self hatred, 'protect' their emotional vulnerability from those around them. Examples might include overcompensating by being the funny fat guy, or taking digs at yourself all the time. Using self deprecating language or always putting yourself on the short end of a comparison with others.

The one I adopted over the years was that of an angry or overly serious person. I remember my wife telling me that some of the people in our ward in Boston thought of me as unapproachable or angry. They would be surprised when they got to know me a little that I was more approachable than they thought, and even knew an elephant joke or two. To this day I struggle with this to the point that any perfect stranger who is beguilingly cheery and has the audacity to smile and say hello to me on the street can make me feel like an immature idiot for the scowl that is constantly etched on my face. (Yes this happened yesterday). I immediately have to either re-adjust my face into something more appropriate which is surprisingly difficult to do in the miliseconds of such an encounter, or offer a compliant grunt in exchange for the genuine pleasantness that can only be offered by someone who is genuinely pleasant. That grunt is only one tiny step higher than simply walking away and leaving an impression which is at best, of a man who's having a bad day, and at worst of the guy who's gonna follow you back to your car, punch your lights out and steal your radio.

I suppose I could spend pages analyzing why I wear that angry facade but I think it is as simple as a protection from feeling vulnerable. Which leads me back to feeling self doubt and self loathing after overeating. I had become so used to employing my 'act' or protectionist efforts that I didn't even have to think about it. I'd overeat, hide it, then employ any number of acts to protect myself from my self inflicted vulnerability. That usually involves some sort of distancing oneself emotionally from friends and family, and physically from strangers by either not going out in public(I always eat fast food alone in the car, never in the restaurant) or looking really mean and scary or occupied on your iPhone when you do.

The exciting part, and I mean thrilling part is that I've started trying to pay attention to the pain again instead of covering it up with an act; and guess what? I hate it!! I hate the pain! I hate the disappointment that I've let myself be beaten by my bodies craving for lots of high fat, high sugar, high salt foods. I hate that I'm acting in a way that will lead me away from, not to, everything I want in this life. This is a hatred I did not expect and that I'm currently trying to nurture to the point that it will overpower my desire to eat bad foods.

Great tasting natural food in reasonable portions is not only fuel for the body but as I said in my other post is specifically intended by God to lift our spirits. I am not there yet, not even close but I'm beginning to see some lights at the end of the tunnel that indicate that I may not actually have to always fight against a desire to overeat bad foods.  That just like many bad habits I avoid completely I might be able to build an aversion to this one that could be powerful enough to make the thought of that indulgence laughable. That my friends is euphorically exciting for me.